a nasty 5-letter word

Sometimes a certain topic appears again & again & again.  Everywhere I turn.  I hear it on podcasts, during sermons, in my Bible Study, in my quiet time...e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.  I believe that these are not coincidences.  These, instead, are topics that God is trying to get into my thick skull head & eventually down into my heart.  Hearing the same message again & again & again repeatedly and consistently is when I know "God is talking to me" about something.  And currently it's all about a need for approval and pride.
It's a funny thing really, because if you'd asked me even two weeks ago the areas in my life that needed some work, neither would have appeared on the list.  But what's that saying?  "Be careful if you think you're standing, you might just be sinking"  Sinking....
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Ah, the half-marathon I was just talking about in the other post.  Yes, my first race.  After all these years of running.  Finally signed up for a race.  And a big one - a half marathon.  What's nearly comical (and it will be laughable at some point) is how I was all thinking how perfect this race will be with my women's ministry theme this year being running the race.  Imagine the parallels I could draw from training for a big race and the race of life.  Perfect timing, perfect material, perfect.  Except for the real motive behind my desire to run the race.  Pathetic.
Need for approval and pride.  Truth be told, deep, deep down inside that place where only One other sees and only One other hears, my little ego was bruised.  I have been running for quite a while now, yet no long runs, no finish lines, not even a starting line. Just a regular 30 minute run, 5 times a week.  But I wanted to be able to "keep up" with everyone else.  I told you it was pathetic.
Pride said, "Kim, you are SO equal with all those other runners you know.  You can totally run a race.  Maybe even run a faster time. If they can do it, you can too"
Approval said, "Kim,  what will everyone think if you're the only person who's not running races?  That looks lame.  Are you even a real runner if you have never run?  Just something to chew on, Kim."
So for the past three weeks I've been running and running and running.  In the rain, in the heat, up hills, miles and miles and miles.  And I didn't even enjoy all the running.  In fact, I hated it.  I used to love my 30 minutes run, but I hated running in the rain, in the cold, for miles and miles and miles.  I dreaded it.  Hated it.  And for what?  For the accolades of some friends and the pride of knowing I could too.  Miserable.
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I have been left to ponder what else in my life is there because of the little annoying voices of Pride and Approval.  I can imagine there's plenty.  How my house is kept, what I wear, what kind of phone I carry, how I speak to people on the road (who can't even hear me), what I eat, what I dress my children in, how I expect my children to behave & the list could continue, I'm sure.  All with that little "what would others think if these were not in order?"  Do I do the things I do for the approval of God, to show his ability & glory or for the approval of others to show my own ability & glory (what little there is)

I think it's a bit of a balance.  On the one hand, I cannot live in chaos.  I cannot look like a clown when I leave the house (well, i could but...).  But on the other hand obsessively making sure that everything is put away in it's place and the floor could be eaten off of so in case someone stops by they won't think I'm out-of-control (iow- they will approve of me and my home) is over the top.  IT all comes down to whose approval am I looking for?  It's fine to look nice, have a nice home, run a marathon...but for what motive?  For someone's approval?  To prove I'm good to someone else?  That's where the balance get tilted off kilter.  It's a daily act.  A daily picking up the cross and decided whom i will serve.
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A few verses to take us home...
"pride leads to disgrace..."Proverbs 11:2
"pride leads to arguments..." Proverbs 13:10
"the proud will be punished."  Proverbs 16:5
"pride goes before destruction..."Proverbs 16:18
"pride ends in humiliation..."   Proverbs 29:23
Romans 6:16 "Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master?  You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God & receive HIS approval."
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